Flash Bulletin to GOP candidates
November 11, 2011 § 2 Comments
Any Republican would be better than Obama, but it’s time to get real. Below, messages to all the candidates.
To: Rick Perry
Governor, you are done. It isn’t just because you oops-ed giving us the longest 53 seconds in television history. What matters, brother, is that you simply are not in the same league as the others. Just because you could whip any other candidate at arm wrestling doesn’t make you qualified to be president. Your place is in Texas. You lack knowledge on just about every aspect of national issues. You haven’t done your homework. (see “What Rick Perry needs to do right now” in the archives). You come across as someone who is less qualified to run for president than the average citizen who stays on top of the news. Time to go home.
To: Rick Santorum
Senator, you are obviously a bright guy with a good understanding of the issues, a good debater and have some ideas about how we can solve our problems. Trouble is, you’re not gaining any traction, or haven’t you noticed? Your number is almost 1%. What are you doing this for? It’s time to get off the stump and let real contenders battle it out.
To Michel Bachmann
Congresswoman, maybe you and Rick Santorum could share a cab back home. Forget about being president. No, no, really, just forget about it. You are a good conservative and there are people who think you are great, but both of them are not going to be able to get you elected. We need to start having debates between viable candidates. Sorry, buh-bye.
To John Huntsman
Governor, you are probably one of the most qualified candidates in the race. But you’re not in the race. If you add up all the people supporting you, Santorum and Bachmann, you could barely put together a pillow fight. If lightning struck and you suddenly did end up in the White House, you would make a fine president. Your problem is that you have the charisma of a number two pencil and you lack the ability to excite. However, stick in it because we need a man of your caliber, maybe as Secretary of State. Oh, you already thought about that? Silly me.
To Ron Paul
Congressman Paul, you are getting more and more credible the more you are seen, and fewer people think you are actually a martian with glued-on eyebrows. Ok, that wasn’t nice. You are obviously bright and knowledgeable and you certainly would make a better president than that incompetent twit we have now. Some of your ideas, however, are way too far out there to make you viable, you know, like making it legal to be a ho or to buy weed. If you moderate your message, it is distantly possible you could gain some traction. And if you do get to be president, let us know where we can score some good Acapulco Gold.
To: Governor Romney
You’ve been campaigning for what, six years and still can’t get your numbers much above twenty percent? You are the guy we will have to take if we have no one else, but three quarters of all Republicans don’t want you. Sorry, but that’s the way it is. You are the Republican’s version of Bill Clinton; slick, glib, dodging fast balls, jukin‘ and turnin‘. Only difference is you have your pants on and you‘re not a liberal – we hope. Well, you can’t change yourself, but maybe you can start by doing some straight talking about where you actually stand on issues. What’s that? You stand wherever you need to at the moment? Thought so. OK, we’ll try to give you some love if you win the nomination, but none of that Monica Lewinsky stuff.
To: Herman Cain
Mr. Cain, you of course, are likable, charismatic and smart. But look what that brought us in 2008. There may be some crass folks who would like you as the nominee so Republicans can have their Black Guy go up against their Black Guy. Let’s hope that plays no part in this. Your bimbo eruption problem will go away if there is truly no merit to the accusations. So let’s hope that also plays no part in this. What does matter is that a lot of people don’t see you as being qualified to be president. Sure, anybody would be better than Obama, but we need someone who can pull us out of the mess we are in, both domestically and out in the big bad world. You need to convince us that you have that ability. P.S chatting up 999, ain’t the way to do it.
To: Newt Gingrich
Mr. Speaker, you are starting to look like our last best chance at having a real, knowledgable, articulate conservative. A lot of people are taking another look at you and that’s starting to show in your poll numbers. Some ideas; slow down on the media. This is not Family Feud and you’re gonna need these people on your side, or at least not hating you. Do a little sucking up, but forget the New York Times. You couldn’t get a fair shake with them if you achieved sainthood. Aside from the media, your two biggest problems need to be tackled very soon; your personal baggage (the wives and girlfriends hoo-ha) and the lack of trust in you by the public. You have very little time to get your favorable number up. Also, lose some weight and pretend to be more humble. Give it all you’ve got and win just one for the Gipper!
UPDATE: GINGRICH NOW LEADS NATIONALY IN ONE POLL