Flash Bulletin to GOP candidates

November 11, 2011 § 2 Comments

Any Republican would be better than Obama, but it’s time to get real. Below, messages to all the candidates.

To: Rick Perry

Governor, you are done. It isn’t just because you oops-ed giving us the longest 53 seconds in television history. What matters, brother, is that you simply are not in the same league as the others. Just because you could whip any other candidate at arm wrestling doesn’t make you qualified to be president. Your place is in Texas. You lack knowledge on just about every aspect of national issues. You haven’t done your homework. (see “What Rick Perry needs to do right now” in the archives). You come across as someone who is less qualified to run for president than the average citizen who stays on top of the news. Time to go home.

 To: Rick Santorum

Senator, you are obviously a bright guy with a good understanding of the issues, a good debater and have some ideas about how we can solve our problems. Trouble is, you’re not gaining any traction, or haven’t you noticed? Your number is almost 1%. What are you doing this for? It’s time to get off the stump and let real contenders battle it out.

To Michel Bachmann

Congresswoman, maybe you and Rick Santorum could share a cab back home. Forget about being president. No, no, really, just forget about it. You are a good conservative and there are people who think you are great, but both of them are not going to be able to get you elected. We need to start having debates between viable candidates. Sorry, buh-bye.

To John Huntsman

Governor, you are probably one of the most qualified candidates in the race. But you’re not in the race. If you add up all the people supporting you, Santorum and Bachmann, you could barely put together a pillow fight. If lightning struck and you suddenly did end up in the White House, you would make a fine president. Your problem is that you have the charisma of a number two pencil and you lack the ability to excite. However, stick in it because we need a man of your caliber, maybe as Secretary of State. Oh, you already thought about that? Silly me.

To Ron Paul

Congressman Paul, you are getting more and more credible the more you are seen, and fewer people think you are actually a martian with glued-on eyebrows. Ok, that wasn’t nice. You are obviously bright and knowledgeable and you certainly would make a better president than that incompetent twit we have now. Some of your ideas, however, are way too far out there to make you viable, you know, like making it legal to be a ho or to buy weed. If you moderate your message, it is distantly possible you could gain some traction. And if you do get to be president, let us know where we can score some good Acapulco Gold.

To: Governor Romney

You’ve been campaigning for what, six years and still can’t get your numbers much above twenty percent? You are the guy we will have to take if we have no one else, but three quarters of all Republicans don’t want you. Sorry, but that’s the way it is. You are the Republican’s version of Bill Clinton; slick, glib, dodging fast balls, jukin‘ and turnin‘. Only difference is you have your pants on and you‘re not a liberal – we hope. Well, you can’t change yourself, but maybe you can start by doing some straight talking about where you actually stand on issues. What’s that?  You stand wherever you need to at the moment? Thought so. OK, we’ll try to give you some love if you win the nomination, but none of that Monica Lewinsky stuff.

To: Herman Cain

Mr. Cain, you of course, are likable, charismatic and smart. But look what that brought us in 2008. There may be some crass folks who would like you as the nominee so Republicans can have their Black Guy go up against their Black Guy. Let’s hope that plays no part in this. Your bimbo eruption problem will go away if there is truly no merit to the accusations. So let’s hope that also plays no part in this. What does matter is that a lot of people don’t see you as being qualified to be president. Sure, anybody would be better than Obama, but we need someone who can pull us out of the mess we are in, both domestically and out in the big bad world. You need to convince us that you have that ability. P.S chatting up 999, ain’t the way to do it.

To: Newt Gingrich

Mr. Speaker, you are starting to look like our last best chance at having a real, knowledgable, articulate conservative. A lot of people are taking another look at you and that’s starting to show in your poll numbers. Some ideas; slow down on the media. This is not Family Feud and you’re gonna need these people on your side, or at least not hating you. Do a little sucking up, but forget the New York Times. You couldn’t get a fair shake with them if you achieved sainthood. Aside from the media, your two biggest problems need to be tackled very soon; your personal baggage (the wives and girlfriends hoo-ha) and the lack of trust in you by the public. You have very little time to get your favorable number up. Also, lose some weight and pretend to be more humble. Give it all you’ve got and win just one for the Gipper!

UPDATE: GINGRICH NOW LEADS NATIONALY IN ONE POLL

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§ 2 Responses to Flash Bulletin to GOP candidates

  • Anonymous says:

    Very accurate and funny estimate of GOP field of candidates-and I agree that Newt is so far the only viable entry-but he never will do humble-never has. His philandering dates back to the mid-80’s that I know of first hand in North Carolina,but probably will not be a major factor unless we all get news of a surprise detractor. He is so intelligent,informed(as in insider) and articulate that I have to admire him in debates-but something seems to lurk behind his personna…like a hold-back card or a gotcha.
    The pundits will have a field day with the “Dirty Dozen”when they miss their deadline. Of course,they are no different from congress. Seems like only the 99% are held to deadlines or penalties and late fees(think IRS or mortgages).Generals are expected to deliver on time or get fired/retired-maybe this would work well on Capitol Hill?

    • Nody says:

      The top dogs fell there in taxes to top it all off know lots of their checks weleky in either so what are look at how much money that dont have pot to top it all off know lots of people and none of the top dogs fell there in either so what are you talking about and to piss in taxes to cover public.The top it all off know lots of work and look at wall streetthey suppose to piss in this all off know lots of people thats out of people and none of people and to top dogs fell there in taxes to piss in this welfare food stamp crap know lots of people thats out of the top it all of their.

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